Why the Pursuit of Happiness is Making You Miserable
Happiness is often treated as the ultimate prize. Social media is flooded with curated snapshots of joy, self-help books promise the secrets to everlasting happiness and workplaces push the idea that we should always be upbeat. Even Hollywood bought into the myth, just look at The Pursuit of Happyness.
The irony of it all is that happiness isn’t a permanent state. It’s a moment. The more we chase it as a destination, the more it slips through our fingers. Instead of obsessing over staying happy, what if we focused on managing all our emotions? That’s emotional intelligence and it’s a far more reliable key to fulfilment than any pursuit of constant happiness.
The Science of Happiness
Happiness isn’t designed to stick around forever. That’s thanks to the brain’s feel-good chemical, dopamine. Dopamine rewards us for progress. It spikes when we achieve something like a promotion, a new car, a fitness milestone and so on, but it’s not meant to keep us content. Instead, it’s meant to keep us striving for more. Once the high fades, our brain resets to its baseline, pushing us to chase the next reward. This is why the thrill of a new gadget disappears, why our dream job eventually starts to feel ordinary and why even winning that 30-million-dollar Powerball draw doesn’t always equate to lifelong happiness.
This cycle isn’t a flaw, it’s evolution’s way of ensuring we keep moving forward. The risk here is if we mistake those dopamine-fuelled highs for lasting happiness, we’ll always feel like something’s missing. Instead of clinging to fleeting happiness, we need to normalise it as moments rather than a state of being.
If you need proof that emotional variability is normal, watch a baby uninterrupted for ten minutes. One moment, they’re giggling uncontrollably. The next, they’re screaming in frustration. They don’t resist emotions they feel them, process them and move on. As adults, we still experience this natural emotional ebb and flow, but somewhere along the way, we start believing that our default state should be happy all the time.
Life gets more complex as we age. Responsibilities pile up, stressors increase and external pressures shape our experiences. Expecting constant happiness isn’t just unrealistic, it ignores the reality of being human. Instead of fighting natural emotional shifts, we need to work with them.
Emotional intelligence isn’t about being happy all the time. It’s about recognising, understanding and managing a full spectrum of emotions, from joy to sadness to surprise.
Handling Emotions starts at home
Dear parents, it all starts with you. It’s common that you will often feel responsible for your child’s happiness, leading to instinctively shielding them from disappointment, boredom or sadness. Experiencing this kind of discomfort isn’t the enemy. it’s a vital piece of our development as humans. A child who never learns to handle frustration won’t develop resilience. Your role as a parent is to model how to manage emotions, rather than acting as the saviour who creates constant happiness.
For instance, next time your child feels upset about losing a game, instead of rushing to cheer them up, try acknowledging their feelings: “I know losing feels really frustrating. Do you want to talk about it or take a break and try again?” This simple reframing helps them learn that emotions come and go and that they can navigate them rather than fear them.
Avoid buying into a Happiness Culture
There’s a growing expectation to “stay positive.” Companies, sporting clubs and workplaces invest in motivational posters, team-building exercises and wellness initiatives, all in pursuit of a happy workforce. Yet, this forced happiness can become toxic.
If you’ve ever been told to “put on a happy face” at work, you know how heavy that mask can feel. It’s unrealistic to assume employees can be enthusiastic from morning to night. The pressure of this expectation alone often ends in burnout.
Take an employee who is drowning in unrealistic sales targets, but is expected to smile through it all. Day after day, they push down their frustration, pretending everything’s fine even though the effort is exhausting. Eventually, they shut down emotionally, drained from carrying the weight alone. That in itself may sound bad enough, but with that shutdown comes something even bigger. They start losing trust in the very people they once believed had their back.
But it’s still ok because they looked happy right?
Happiness culture often encourages us to put on a happy face, even when we’re struggling. True emotional intelligence means embracing all emotions, not just the positive ones.
Providing a more emotionally intelligent approach allows space for all emotions. If employees can voice concerns, ask for help and navigate their emotions without pressure to “stay positive,” they’re more likely to feel valued and invested in their work.
Great leaders don’t demand constant enthusiasm and positivity. Instead, they create psychologically safe environments where all emotions, the good, the bad and the neutral are acknowledged. A leader who ignores team frustrations will see disengagement grow, but a leader who creates a safe space for honest conversations shows you value people for who they are which ultimately builds trust.
Instead of dismissing a person’s concerns with “Just stay positive,” great leaders and role models say, “That sounds really tough, what would help make this situation more manageable?” This small shift validates emotions and encourages problem-solving instead of suppressing discomfort.
How to Be More Emotionally Intelligent in Daily Life
Emotional adaptability is the ability to move through emotions without getting stuck. If you’re now picturing the idea of smoothly shifting through emotions being as likely as smoothly shifting the gears in a rusted out 1995 Mitsubishi Magna, then here are some strategies to try.
Reframe Happiness as a Moment, Not a Goal. Instead of asking, “How can I be happy today?” Try, “How can I create more moments of happiness?” Happiness isn’t a constant. It’s a collection of small experiences like laughing with a friend, enjoying a great meal or finishing a project you care about. Focus on accumulating these moments rather than expecting happiness to be your default state.
Acknowledge Feelings Without Judgment. Swap “I shouldn’t feel this way” for “I’m feeling frustrated because...” Emotions don’t need to be justified or fixed immediately. Sometimes, just naming them helps them lose their intensity.
Let Emotions Run Their Course. Suppressing emotions is like holding a beach ball underwater. The further you push it down, the more force it has when it inevitably rises and whacks you between the eyes. Acknowledge your emotions, process them thoughtfully, then move forward.
Recognise Emotional Cycles. Just like no song stays exciting if it’s played on repeat, faking happiness leads to exhaustion. Keep track of what moments trigger different emotions. This helps you understand patterns and make intentional choices about what you engage in. Focus your energy on aiming to create more moments of desired emotions rather than ones that make you feel drained or unmotivated.
Develop Go-To Coping Strategies. Exercise, journaling, deep breathing or even just talking to someone who listens without trying to “fix” things can make a huge difference. The key is to experiment with different strategies until you find what works for you. Remember that what helps one person reset might not work for another.
If Not Happiness, Then What?
If happiness is fleeting, then what should we pursue instead? Purpose.
Purpose provides us with direction in moments of both joy and struggle. It’s the steady force that keeps us going even when life isn’t all sunshine and dopamine spikes. Unlike happiness, which is dependent on external events, purpose is something we cultivate over time. It might come from meaningful work, strong relationships, personal growth or contributing to something bigger than ourselves.
When we shift our focus from “How can I be happy?” to “How can I live with purpose?” we create a life that is more fulfilling and less dependent on the highs and lows of fleeting emotions.
Did you like this? Check out our Emotional Fitness 101 and The Art of Influence signature concepts that are tailored to turn emotionally intelligent practises into routines. Whether it be at home, school or at work Not Just A Teacher Education is here to help you exceed your potential.
